Titania Incognita

One more time:

"It is reasonable to aim to work for a living, at something that I am pleased and proud to be doing."  

Every time I say it to myself it feels as though someone has just slapped me in the face with a kipper.  

Metaphorically, I mean. 


PS: Hey, does anyone know what exanimate means?  I've just said I'm feeling it.

I don't know whether this happens to you, but I find that there are times in my life where things get shaken up a bit.  Well, a lot, really.  In summary, since my recent post about having a view to the greater good, I've had a few weeks where things have been Different.  Different people.  Different books, different forums, different opportunities.  Such times are often confronting, and I hate change, but...I have been aware for a very long time that things were getting stale.  Something has been missing.  The thing is, I love jewellery.  I love doing my blog.  I love I Can Has Cheezeburger and Go Fug Yourself and Cute Overload and eBay and everything else that takes up so much of my life. But when I am doing those things to escape from something, then they start becoming mechanisms of desperation and that is a surefire way to suck the life out of both them and me.

So.  My little timebombs of "Difference":

- Reading "The Artist's Way"
- My weekend at the Blue Mountains with the girls
- An awareness that I don't have spiritual rituals or day-to-day awareness in my life at present
- Being picked up at work for spending too much time on the internet (humiliating...but absolutely fair)
- Going to a lunchtime talk by Tim Costello from World Vision
- Attending a work meeting at the ABC

Questions/Meditations:

- I am finding to my utter astonishment that there are people who really enjoy their work.  I am realising just how firmly entrenched in me is the notion that work is something I just have to do, and I should expect to resent it.   I don't think I want to write the world's greatest novel or chuck it all in to be an artist (honest) but you can't imagine how hard it was to tell myself: "Yes, I know that lots of people want to do what I want to do...but that doesn't mean I  can't do it...it is reasonable to aim to work for a living, at something that I am pleased and proud to be doing."  Perhaps, I have been thinking...something through which I can contribute in a significant way to my world or community...?

- I am also working with the idea that I can enjoy my work now, enjoy doing a good job without being constantly distracted by all those internet sites I think I have to look at.  I've promised my work I won't surf the net except for work now and it is kind of a wierd life being a normal person and coming in and beginning to do work at 9.00 when I get in and stopping work at 4.50 before I leave (yes that does sound as bad to me as it does to you).  It's nice to have time to read the SMH in my breaks and feel in touch with the real world instead of dipping in and out of the internet all the time.  Without the internet to look at I'm still working out what to do with myself at lunchtimes, though.

- I've also been asking myself whether I enjoy the internet as much as I think I do.  It's not always easy to tell.  I got home after my first day at work without surfing the net, ran to my PC and realised I couldn't think of a single thing I wanted to do or look at.  It was so confusing I went on eBay and spent $180 on a ring. I guess the thing is that sometimes these things are a safe, easy, familiar escape - like TV.  But, just as I do with TV, I want to keep these activities for times when I really do want to do them - and so free up some time for some of these other things I keep saying I want to have time for, like reading books, going to church, walking with my walkman...

- Speaking of which...one of the snatches of wisdom I gathered along the way was the idea of spending fifteen minutes outdoors every day.  This seemed silly, after all I spend at least fifteen minutes waiting for the bus or walking from building to building at my work every day or whatever, until I took the dog for a walk after dinner one night.  Under the stars, looking at the silhouettes of the trees, it occured to me that perhaps many of the things I find myself compulsively doing are really shadows of the things I really want.  I sit on Facebook (or I did, anyhow) for ages because what I really want is connection with others.  I obsess about the way I look because I want to do something creative in my day but it takes twenty minutes to get dressed in the morning (and I have to do it anyway) but three hours to do a painting.  I buy jewellery and...well all right, it is mostly jewellery really... in the shapes of trees and stars and wildness and water because I lack connection with those things for real.  I'm not going to beat myself up about it, in fact it's rather reassuring to know that in fact what I really want is actually very accessible.  That is, if I can just calm down long enough to go out there and get it.  

What does all this mean?  It might mean nothing.  It wouldn't be the first time I've had a wondrous change of heart and then just watched it trickle away and things go back to normal.  But then, that has also not happened.  It may be that these processes won't turn my life around, but they may help to balance it.  Or they may set new patterns that in turn will have to be re-thought as time moves on.  For the moment, though, this is where we are heading.

Look, this is very inconvenient, but unfortunately my urge to share the riches of my wit and experience has been somewhat interrupted by work, and the need to do work while I am at work.  This annoys me, because my blog, which I like doing, seems eminently fascinating and worthwhile to me, whereas my work, which I don't have any choice about, I don't particularly see the point of at all (except to make money to live on and as an opportunity to wear all my fantastic jewellery).

Nevertheless be that as it may I have to do it.  This does NOT mean I won't be posting, although over the period of the last week, which was unmentionable (even if I have just mentioned it), there was no opportunity.  And there is lots to tell from the elfin silver and gemstone necklace I bought on Etsy, even though I thought it was a bit overpriced, and then meddled with when it arrived, but luckily didn't break (although I honestly wouldn't have been surprised - I am so hopeless sometimes), to a pattern I made up and knitted for a coat for the McDoggersons, and him going to the Vet for the day to have some teeth removed under general anaesthetic (my poor little man - it broke my heart), to a magical and amazing place I have discovered that is almost entirely populated by young men who are as beautiful as angels.  And that is really true by the way, and they are really nice and financially solvent and caring and funny.

However - sadly - I don't have much time for writing these days so if you want to know the juicy details, you will have to hope I get discovered and paid to do this for a living or get a job at the place I am applying to next (it's a secret until I get it).  After all, I am already hoping those things, so you might as well join me.

Wikipedia notes that the lowest temperature ever recorded on earth was −89.2 °C (−128.6 °F) at Vostok Station in Antarctica.

Evidently they were not in my bathroom this morning while I was standing unclothed next to the shower waiting for the water to get hot.

I am only human, after all.

http://www.etsy.com/

...my dragon needs cleaning. 

When at work, log onto an internet radio station that plays peaceful yoga music (especially if it is Russill Paul's Morning Invocation).  Unintentionally sing along.

You may not find this terribly amusing as such but your workmates certainly will. 

I have always had a slightly ambivalent relationship with the terms "political activism" and "social justice" - perhaps it is something about allocating phrases to things that sort of snuffs the life out of them a bit.  In addition to this, since being very ill in 2001 (yes - I know it was a long time ago but the processes are still going on recovering from that one), to varying degrees I have lacked the energy or presence of mind or commitment or whatever it is to carry a consciousness of bigger issues into my daily life.  

This doesn't mean I haven't done anything at all to help my fellow man, but with the ongoing turn of the wheel over the last six months I have found I am both more willing and more ready to re-engage with what is going on in the world on a daily basis.  I find myself increasingly aware that I am now a grownup, and a citizen of a world that extends beyond my circle of responsibilities and acquaintences.  I can no longer say that Kofi Annan is making the world a better place because he just waited long enough for a twist of fate to make him the Secretary of the United Nations.  At this point in time, if this sort of miracle hasn't happened to me then it never will, and I have to admit that whatever I do or don't achieve in this sphere will and can only be the results of my own choices and actions.

This being the case I have formed an intention, which I am now expressing formally, to live more consciously with an awareness of what I can do in my world.  I am still me of course, which means you won't be seeing me on TV holding press conferences regarding the constitutional legality of sending troops to Afghanistan anytime soon.  Some of my efforts and actions are small and some are relatively greater.  But they are all alternatives to doing nothing. 

- I intend to use my art and writing (including my blog :0) ) to entertain people and bring more beauty (spiritual awareness, creativity, imagination, whatever) into their world.
- I care for people around me and do everything I can to make them feel encouraged and affirmed.
- I donate a portion of my earnings to the Salvation Army for the care of the homeless.
- I sponsor a child in Chile through World Vision.
- I donate my unwanted belongings to charity so that they can be useful to someone else.
- I avoid buying products such as coffee, chocolate and jewellery which I know may have been produced through the exploitation of the poor in Third World countries.
- When buying treats or trinkets, both for myself and others, I prefer for those who have been handcrafted by sellers from whom I can purchase the product directly (eg Etsy), or who source their products through Fair Trade agreements, or whose proceeds to go charity.
- I daily click on websites offering proceeds to Child Literacy, Breast Cancer Research, Rainforest Preservation, Animal Rescue and Food for the Poor.
- I donate money to charity campaigns to assist with the underpriviledged or those affected by civil or natural disasters.
- I recycle my papers and plastics and use cloth shopping bags.
- I use biodegradeable cleaning products in my home. 
- I am on the mailing lists of activist organisations such as GetUp and Greenpeace and sign petitions or make donations for campaigns, where I agree with their stated aims.
- I give money to buskers who are bringing pleasure to their listeners (although...I don't give money to buskers who aren't...).
- I smile at people who are handing out religious or political pamphlets, even if I don't take the pamphlet, because it is a brave thing to do for your beliefs.
- I am on the mailing lists for a number of religious organisations, whose material reminds me to live consciously and in harmony.
- Etc.

Peace.

A dinosaur lines up to get into a cross-dressing nightclub.
"Sorry mate" says the bouncer. "I can't let your sort in."
"But I'm a tranny" says the dinosaur.  
"How's that?" asks the bouncer.
"You know..." replies the dinosaur.

(Wait for it)

"...a Tranny-saurus Rex."

When the storm
In the night
Closes in
Closes down

When the roaring light
Is rising
Flaring from the ashen trees
Smudging into black

See his silhouette
Against the flames
In the mist
In the downpour

(Standing against the maelstrom
Against the spiralling thunder)

Blood of gold and armour-skin
Blazing heart in silver rain
Would you follow him
Follow the King

Into the clouds
Into...
(Into where the lightning twists
Serpentine on icy drifts)

Chasing...
Following...
(Falling through iron and diamond fires
Tossed on elemental spires)

Or will he carry you
Sing to you
Shelter with broad and featherless wings
Into his dreams...

Or will the morning
Come in silence
Nothing but a copper spark
Trailed across the sky...

 "Epping!" ... "Epping!"...

Note: I said "a chain mail" not "chain mail".  Although...come to think of it...my friend Dianna would make an AWESOME Valkyrie.

Don't panic...I'm not dead...I haven't given up blogging - although I have to admit that my plans to have my blog discovered by someone who wanted to pay me to do it for a living have not so far borne fruit.

I was, in fact, on holiday and now that I am back I am fresh and feisty and...er...generally unimpressed about having to return to work.  It seems to me to be an unreasonable imposition and a foolish waste of time, and I have heard no convincing arguments with regards to its value to me in terms of personal growth, happiness etc although actually now I think about it I suppose there is a direct correlation between being paid and having more jewellery.  When I say direct, I really mean it: I get the money, increased jewellery pretty much automatically ensues.  And I suppose I can at least in part attribute the efficiency of the process to the career I have chosen: I expect it wouldn't work so well if I were, for example, a crack whore or hairdresser in Pyongyang or cook for the merchant navy where the sterling silver, gold and diamond israeli-design ring pickings are generally pretty slim. However I digress: the point of this post was to record my impressions on returning to what is generally, though perhaps unfairly, referred to as "real life":

i) I would enjoy life more if I could sleep in until 8.30 (at least) every day, with naps also.  I now realise that a substantial portion of my general dissatisfaction with life is that I travel through it half-asleep a lot of the time.  I have been watching "Bleak House" recently and find it very interesting that Richard is constantly under pressure to get himself straightened out and on track with his career, but Ada gets to swan about the house being pretty and spending time chatting to Harriet Hortense  Hester and achieving absolutely nothing ever.  This seems to me an enviable state of affairs and one to which we should return, although preferably I would also like to be wealthy and married to someone who wasn't a rake, away serving in the navy for years at a time, a horrid old snob or dead.

ii) Bananas are really boring.  I recognise they can be livened up a bit by coating them with chocolate or...no actually I think that's about the extent of the possibilities really, but in any case this is a moot point as what I am referring to is morning and afternoon snacks at work, where chocolate-coated bananas aren't available anyway.  It seems to me unsatisfactory that I wait eagerly for ages for break-time to arrive, only to find that the peak experience my break has to offer me is eating a banana and drinking a cup of tea.  I suppose I have no-one to blame but myself really, I guess if I didn't want to regret not being on holiday any more I wouldn't set myself up for the letdown by enjoying as many coffees and chocs and pieces of Dad's fruit and nut and chocolate loaf and glasses of wine as I feel like, then not only come back to work but also pick up my abstemious regime of such dietary non-events as fruit and vegetables.

iii) I think that while we were away and house unattended it was visited by little pixies.  They broke the toilet and magically caused mould to spread through the house, with particular emphasis on my wardrobe but also the lower eschalons of the glass-fronted bookcase, the drinks cabinet and the dining table, representing about a week's worht of manhours (or mehours I should say, as it is unlikely HRH will participate) to get the whole cleaned up and proofed against further mould.  Do I have a week to devote to these activities?  Was Marilyn a misunderstood poet of his generation who will be understood and venerated in future years for the true genius he was?  If I ever get my hands on said pixies, no amount of magic dust or promises of pots of gold or granted wishes is going to be able to save them.

iv) Or perhaps I am having a complicated relationship with toilets in general at the moment, because the ones at work, and there are quite a few of them actually, all seem to be not working as well.  Yesterday I sent around a chain mail - yes I know but it's not something I make a habit of - and it had a prayer from St Theresa on it.  You could make a wish before saying it, I didn't but in retrospect I am a bit sorry I didn't mention a word or two about toilets working.

...Okay I'm going to stop complaining now because I'm not really grumpy about anything else except being at work when I would rather be at home attending to...you know...stuff...and that is nothing new.  Also, I have got a bit distracted because after my comment above I have started looking up Marilyn on the web.  It's kind of nice we have hit the year 2000 you know, because all the stars and semi-stars like Adam Ant and Gary Numan and Marilyn who sort of crashed and burned or just disappeared after the 80's have now got themselves sorted out and are in reasonably regular employment appearing as themselves on talk shows or whatever and I am pleased for them.

Hey by the way, has anyone else apart from me noticed that there are lots of pictures of people called Marilyn on the net, who are not glamorous Hollywood vixens?  And also not Peter Robinson (the Marilyn who was Boy George's buddy)?  Who knew?

I expect it's because of all those fricking fairy wrens.

Ask yourself the following question:

If you were eaten by a giant squid, would you suffocate before you were digested?  Or not?? 

Walking next to someone very tall.  If that person happens to be Jeremy, that's just a bonus.

Aside from all the other highlights of my weekend in the Blue Mountains, I would also like to pay homage and give credit where it is due.  I would also like to share with you all my deep sadness and despair.

I myself have spent an inordinate sum of money, and I really do mean inordinate, putting together what I do not think it is exaggerating to describe as one of the world's most comprehensive collections of jewellery.  I would like to put aside for a moment the fact that "comprehensive" does not necessarily mean "tasteful" or "effective", but in terms of sheer volume it is certainly an achievement to feel proud - or in my case, ambivalent - about.

The thing is, one of my fellow travellers, aka Red Maven, just had the most amazing jewellery.  It was individual, it was interesting, and sometimes she wore several pieces and sometimes she wore just one and all the time it looked perfect.

I have never been good at this sort of thing.  When I try to creatively mix contrasting pieces together, I just look badly dressed.  And on me, "simple" just looks invisible.  Seeing someone do pared-down cool so effortlessly struck me deep in my soul <sigh>.  Trinny & Susannah say I look best in tailored gear but sometimes I find my look a little structured.  Oh that the Muse of Directional Styling had blessed the hour of my birth!

This said I am not the sort of person to harbour jealousy or resentment so I congratulate Red Maven on her abilities.  If, however, I now spend further funds in a woeful attempt to emulate her, regard me with compassion.  I am but Salieri to her Mozart (although not mad and not planning on scaring her [not intentionally anyway] by dropping by her house with a spooky black outfit on).

I'm not really deeply sad and despairing, by the way.  Just in case you were worried.

a) Beady eyes.  I don't have them, as my eyes are more feline really (even if I do say so myself), but I saw on TV a girl with really little, dark, beady eyes.  I reckon that would be top fun.

b) Growing a magnificent pair of mustachios, with waxed ends that you could twiddle when you were bored.  I myself am currently growing one, but progress has been slow.  This may be because I am a girl, but it may also partly be because I only started yesterday.

 

  No, not that kind of Ars.  

You can find the photos from my trip on DeviantArt (link below). They have crappy names and silly comments because you can't leave these fields blank.  

http://jeweliette.deviantart.com/gallery/ 

The pics of DD & DD (there are only two) are in my Facebook.

While we were away we established that just like in the X-Men, each of us has a supernatural power.  They are, to the best of my memory:

Disco Duck: Berlin Appreciation
Diamond Dolly: Her Hair
Red Maven: Reverse Parking Skills
Me: Persistent Scattiness

Actually, it's quite appropriate that mine should be persistent scattiness, because I seem to remember that Disco Duck's ability was not Berlin Appreciation but something else.  This is really a moot point though because her appreciation of Berlin is also beyond the capacity of most mere mortals and the other one was no more useful to society.

Anyway, I can't imagine a circumstance in which these abilities could benefit the world or save it from impending doom, but, fellow citizens of Earth, I think I speak for us all when I say that should you ever need us, we are here for you.

Oh, all right, I admit it.  There was no poodle.