Titania Incognita

mood: contemplative

I have had about four loves of my life.  I married one of them, so things have gone basically well.  Two of them were flesh-and-blood bodies who just didn't work out.  Sorry, I don't mean they didn't go to the gym - aha, ahahaha - I mean, things didn't work out with them. Some people just don't know a good thing when they've got one, do they?

The other was this man.

(Seen here as Sam Vimes in Terry Pratchett's Guards! Guards!)
 

He didn't look like this back then, of course.  Also I'm sure the fact that he was a person in a TV show and not real played some part in the fact that he was actually categorically the perfect and most ideal man that ever was or shall be, but that doesn't particularly concern me.  I still have him living in my soul somewhere and from time to time he just bobs up and gives me that little tingle of hopeless yearning that I sort of like and sort of don't. 

Spookily enough, there is a man at my work who looks just like him, except - and this is honestly spine-tingling and breath-taking and makes me want a strong drink - he is young.  He is, as it so happens, also very nice in an ordinary sort of way. 

So, I believe is Mr Dragon here. I've read interviews with him and he seems like just a lovely, funny man.  That is, apart from being the same age as my father.  It just goes to show.

Sigh.
 

mood: thoughtful

Some time ago I attended a business conference in which someone who gets paid quite a lot of money to rescue companies during times of disaster, told us a parable.

I wish someone would pay me quite a lot of money to tell parables, but that is not the point. The point is that his parable outlined three types of personality; wolves, cats, and otters. It then went on to illustrate how each of these personality types has both benefits and drawbacks.

Wolves are people who assume that life is hostile and are always on the defensive. When coming up against people who may represent a threat, they will always attack first. This may mean they have a better chance of surviving, but it also precludes the possibility of negotiating and learning from others. This can be a liability in the long run.

Cats are fence sitters. They prefer to avoid a fight if possible. Instead, they watch and wait for the other person to make the first move. If he or she is friendly, they will be friendly. But if hostile, they will fight with claw and fang. This too, can be a way of surviving; but it can also mean that they actually cause fights by refusing to commit either way.

Otters are the nice ones. They always assume that peace is both possible and desirable and will approach new people with friendliness and co-operation. This is fine, so long as the new people are cats or other otters. If they are wolves, however, they’re dead meat.

I would like to think I am an otter. When I am getting down with my good self, I am otter all over. I want to help and communicate and facilitate, and I tell myself if this means I get grabbed by the throat by a wolf, then at least I get to be smug about being a better person than they are. Moreover, I don't often get angry about things (despite the amount of noise I make), so usually it is not hard to think about things objectively and work towards solutions rather than getting caught up in the cycle of blame, self-justification, defensiveness, etc.

However. That's not what happened a week or two ago with a situation involving my work.  To my own surprise I became extremely angry, something I haven't felt for a very long time.  Then I got depressed, and then I got angry again.  I tried to be an otter, but it would appear that at that moment my bad self was coming to the fore, because I am here to say that despite trying very hard the best I could manage was to be a cat. I sat on the fence simmering for about a week before making a carefully calculated move which was apparently about solving the problem but could equally have been firing a first salvo if it had become necessary. I was surprised to hear my own self thinking quite calculatedly about how I could go about being really and genuinely and calculatedly mean and manipulative if it became necessary. Luckily my negotiator was also a cat and a resolution was reached - albeit one without the grace and kindness I would normally like my human interactions to involve.

In retrospect, I see that a number of things happened.  Primarily, I see that my claws came out because I felt unsafe - something I don't often feel because I have developed quite a lot of sneaky strategies for avoiding situations that make me feel, let's face it,  as though I am in the wrong.  As a result I attacked - and if you've ever seen a cat having a bath you will know that those claws fly at everyone in striking distance.  This included, for no reason I can think of, those who were trying to help me and my own self.  Yay me.  I am so lucky my loved ones are so supportive.

I won't go so far as to suggest that this has been a valuable learning experience, because I hate learning experiences and resent ever having to have them, but it was interesting.  As I say, perhaps what I have come away with is an awareness that the relative serenity I usually live in is at least in part a function of the way I have set my life up, and less a learnt ability to deal effectively with real problems, than I had thought. 

This is something I will sit with, but for now, pass me that saucer of milk...
 

mood: amused

Miz! Oh Miz
You are red-headed and remind me of parrots
You live an artistic life and have lots of friends
I’d like to see you in blue although
Sadly I cannot give you the jumper I am currently making
Because my mother gave me the wool
I wonder if you like Ultravox
Or not because of the moustache
Midge Ure was a funny little man
And also whether you use soap that is yellow
Although I don’t
Let’s go to Moscow

mood: thoughtful

I had an interesting thought the other day. For some reason I was thinking about yoga and remembered the classes that used to be on at my work when we were at North Sydney. I then remembered that we actually have classes here in the Fifth Circle of Hell that is North Ryde and I was wondering why I don’t go to them. Then I wondered (there is a point to this, by the way…bear with me) why I stopped going to the classes at the old place, because they really did make me feel amazing…calm, at one, complete, relaxed…the whole banana.

It came to me in a blinding flash, and this really did surprise me by the way, that I stopped going because there is only so much feeling calm, at one and complete that I can take. It was sort of blissfully serene, but that sort of thing makes me feel uncomfortable if it goes on for more than an hour or two. As a fire sign (Leo, for those who don’t know), or possibly or a redhead or a creative genius or orphaned trollchild or whatever box one likes to put me into, I think I am only really quite right when there is a certain amount of alchemy happening within. Interestingly, I don’t (or haven’t) have the same problem with the inner Oneness of my religious experiences - although of course they too dissipate and life returns to a somewhat less interstellar plane in due course.  Perhaps I don't have the same sense of my Self disappearing into all that light - I still feel me in the midst of it.

I don’t know what this means but it was a startling insight. What it means, of course, is now when I am complaining about everything from TV being beautiful but basically uninteresting, to not having enough time to write, to interpersonal craziness, it really just means I am fully functioning.

Would you please be kind enough to remind me of this next time I am asking myself why I always feel slightly insane?

I just want you to know that TV has been blanking me. This is my own fault because I am weird when I am around him, on account of the eyes and everything, and so now he is being weird, which is only to be expected.

The thing is, this is not in itself such a major event – after all, I’ve managed to alienate plenty of good-looking complete strangers by being confusing when I am around them, leading them to think I am either a) insane b) a moron c) annoying or d) all three. I can’t help it. However, having inspired this blanking behaviour in an otherwise pleasant and sane individual* I then chose to share this information with Tink at a time and place when we could be overheard, which I probably didn’t really need to do as it has only broadcast my ineptitude to the world at large. 

I have now decided I haven’t really made enough of a mess of things, so I’m telling everyone I possibly can, hence this post. You are so lucky – you get to think about how fortunate you are not to be me.

*I don’t always think this, by the way – sometimes I decide that in fact I am perfectly rational and nice and he is the fruitcake. Of course, it could never be the case that he is just a perfectly normal human being with both flaws and wonderful qualities, albeit one who is confused by me and that I am also a perfectly normal human being &c. albeit one who is confusing due to shyness. ** 

**However this would not be nearly as interesting as one or both of us being mad.

mood: amused

Given that my holiday is now over and I have had to return to work this morning, I am sure it can be no coincidence that last night I had my worst night’s sleep in a fortnight, and also the first nightmare I have had in a long time. It was quite a good one, too. It had everything – pervasive darkness, a brooding sense of despair and foreboding, and for some reason, the neighbour’s cat.

The part I liked best, though, was when I decided it was too dark and switched the light on.  In the craziness that is dreaming I was standing right over the light bulb and completely blinded myself with the glare.  See, I am goofy even in sleep.