The council – the crow, the owl and the otter, asked:
“Where do the rays fall?”
Here is gold. We know of the fox-king
Soft-gloved and untrustworthy
But in the spaces of the trees
Smudged in ink, like an evening,
We did not find that cold tenor, ruler of riddles.
Only the tender soil, like loving water,
Falling over your hands
Filled with glimmering and crystalline hopes
Reaching forward, reaching up
Past the flighty thistledown, swirling by
Speaking to the sky in myriad tongues:
Tomes of the corporeal, telling tales of old light.
- Mood:
thoughtful
...
Oh, fine. I can't find the damn photo in my scrapbook. Anyhow...
You will recall there were shoes and they spake unto me as across a great void, etc, and I bought them even though we all - and I do not exclude myself from this, by the way - thought maybe it was a bad idea because they were elongated and sort of a funny shape and not the sort of thing you just chuck on and go, an attribute I am almost certain to really resent at some point, but as I say my choices in love have never been that crash hot.
BUT
I did wear them yesterday, and although I thought my makeup ended up on the heavy side (we were going to see New Moon after work and I got over excited), which made me feel a bit older than usual, I think it kind of worked, don't you?
Especially if he doesn't give me my Tour Teaser CD back. You know who you are.
- Mood:
sleepy
Instead of "3D Extreme Mascara" it should be called: "Mysterious Device for Imparting Great Globules of Evil Black Stuff Which Spreads And Stains When It Isn't Drying and Caking And Leaving Debris All Over The Place...Eyelashes...Cheeks...Ears...Your Makeup Drawer, The Bathroom Tiles, Your Bedroom Carpet When You Accidentally Get It On The Soles Of Your Shoes and Also Especially Your Favourite Dress, and You Won't Be Able To Wash It Off". Although, that might be hard to fit on the package.
I am going to take it downstairs and chuck it in the bin. Then, I am going to take it out and jump up and down on it. After that, I will set it on fire and conduct an exorcism upon it to banish it to the dark regions from which it came, spray paint it with a red "A" and put it in the stocks for two weeks to be jeered at and tormented by all my neighbours as they pass by, then get the dog to wee on it.
Heed my warning!
- Mood:
cranky
Anyway, my cyclamen, which is in another pot, periodically puts forth a seed pod and it so happens it had one on the day, and since I had a free pot I thought I'd see how we go. However, I used some soil from the compostor and it had quite a lot of gravel in it, and it's all been looking a bit rough so when nothing happened I figured my clumsy attempt had failed.
Then this morning when I was making breakfast I thought I'd take one last look before I tossed the whole lot out and bought another african violet FROM THE SHOP because I am obviously incapable of making anything grow myself. And behold:
Yep. In case you missed it, here's a closer view...
Hurrah!
- Mood:
enthralled
That would have been interesting, but complicated...no, instead, after about two MONTHS of planning to go out dancing with Miss Blue Bell on Friday night, I have sat down with a pencil and my diary and realised...yes...I'm due to BLEED that night. Wonderful. Of all nights when I should be sitting in front of comfort TV and complaining to HRH about how soddingly awful it is and letting him fetch me delicous meals and hot water bottles with the McDoggersons sitting adoringly at my side, I will be out, at midnight, surrounded by loud music and bright lights. Hence, I am hoping it will start NOW, so that by Friday it will be at the tail end (no pun intended).
Slaves! (Clapclap) Bring me my drugs!
- Mood:
worried
- Mood:
anxious
Today, I am going to be irrationally biased against people called Andrew.*
* Unless I meet or encounter someone called Andrew.
- Mood:
cheerful
And then, at other times, it doesn't. So when I tell you that the in some instances the good feelings it dampens are what is politely termed my libido, and it presently isn't, I am sure you will know quite exactly what I am talking about.
Luckily, there is a thunderstorm at the moment and the McDoggersons is freaking out, so I have a distraction from thinking about...well, it's probably best if we don't go there. I shall only present you with this:
...
Okay, no I won't. Sorry, I couldn't find any pictures of Duncan X. The thought was there, anyhow.
- Mood:
predatory
The women's corner - note my matryoshka (Russian nesting doll), friendly angel and grandmother figure
I just love dandelion-clock the design on this mug - it reminds me of the 60's stylised patterns that were around in my childhood. They make me feel safe and whole.
I love my trojan horse statue, as well. And my goblet full of precious incenses.
And of course there is my Somerset Poppies painting and my Russian Spring Maiden doll.
A collage of joy on my altar for Spring
This is the collage I did for my spare photo frame. It's fairly impressive but I am a little disappointed - I think I wanted a little more rich colour. Some more emerald green and a burgundy red would have provided more balance. Oh well!
- Mood:
accomplished
Sorry, I'll try that again.
Life as a goth is, and shall always be, just the ticket. As I said to my parents - although this was probably unwise - I went through a mid-life crisis because my existence seemed empty and pointless. Now that I'm wearing all black again, and too much makeup, and listening to nihilistic music and filling my life with images of death and decay and general gloomery (ref: new blog theme, as you will have noticed), and going out to spend time with people who do likewise, life seems exciting and full of purpose. I don't know why this is, but goths don't have to care about that sort of thing, so I'm not going to.
Actually, just out of curiosity I looked up "Goth" in Wikipaedia and found the following:
"Defining an explicit ideology for the gothic subculture is difficult for several reasons. First is the overwhelming importance of mood and aesthetic for those involved. This is, in part, inspired by romanticism and neoromanticism. The allure for goths of dark, mysterious, and morbid imagery and mood lies in the same tradition of Romanticism's gothic novel. During the late 18th and 19th century, feelings of horror, and supernatural dread were widespread motifs in popular literature; The process continues in the modern horror film. Balancing this emphasis on mood and aesthetics, another central element of the gothic is a deliberate sense of camp theatricality and self-dramatization; present both in gothic literature as well as in the gothic subculture itself.
Goths, in terms of their membership in the subculture, are usually not supportive of violence, but rather tolerant. Many in the media have incorrectly associated the Goth subculture with violence, hatred of minorities, and other acts of hate. However, violence and hate do not form elements of goth ideology; rather, the ideology is formed in part by recognition, identification, and grief over societal and personal evils that the mainstream culture wishes to ignore or forget. These are the prevalent themes in goth music.[8]
The second impediment to explicitly defining a gothic ideology is goth's generally apolitical nature. While individual defiance of social norms was a very risky business in the nineteenth century, today it is far less socially radical. Thus, the significance of goth's subcultural rebellion is limited, and it draws on imagery at the heart of Western culture. Unlike the hippie or punk movements, the goth subculture has no pronounced political messages or cries for social activism. The subculture is marked by its emphasis on individualism, tolerance for diversity, a strong emphasis on creativity, tendency toward intellectualism, and a mild tendency towards cynicism, but even these ideas are not universal to all goths. Goth ideology is based far more on aesthetics and simplified ethics than politics.
Goths may, indeed, have political leanings ranging from left-wing to right-wing, but they do not express them specifically as part of a cultural identity. Instead, political affiliation, like religion, is seen as a matter of personal conscience. Unlike punk, there are few clashes between political affiliation and being "goth". Similarly, there is no common religious tie that binds together the goth movement, though spiritual, supernatural and religious imagery has played a part in gothic fashion, song lyrics and visual art. In particular, aesthetic elements from Catholicism often appear in goth culture. Reasons for donning such imagery range from expression of religious affiliation to satire or simply decorative effect."
I had never given much thought to it, but I kind of like the ideas that: a) goths are apolitical, because quite honestly I could not care less about prescribed political ideologies and b) that there is no specific definition of goth, we just make it up as we go along. Perhaps this IS the gothic statement; we all create what is individually meaningful to us, and "decorative effect" is as good a reason for doing something as any other. Fight the power!
The article also talks a bit about the common misconception that goths are violent - although I couldn't think why an all-black costume and studded accessories with skull jewellery could ever give that impression - and the fact that it is often in fact straight people who are violent and prejudiced towards goths. A UK judge, in his summation of a case, apparently made the following statement:
“This was a hate crime against these completely harmless people targeted because their appearance was different to yours.” He went on to defend the goth community, calling goths “perfectly peaceful, law-abiding people who pose no threat to anybody.”
I thought this was rather beautiful, actually. All together now: "Allllllll we are saaaaaaaying, is give goths a chaaaaaance..."
- Mood:
thoughtful
...as you could have guessed, it didn't last long. At the moment, the thing seems to be shoes. To be precise, these shoes.
I have no idea where I shall wear them or what with. I only know that they spoke to me as across a great void, saying, we belong to you already, you know it's true, we cannot be parted, this sale won't last long, hurry while stocks last.
That is all very well, but we may have some problems here, as I heard very much the same sort of thing from these:
What can I say? I'm a fool for love.
- Mood:
guilty
I had forgotten that they would take the money out RIGHT AWAY and now I have no money. I hate that.
- Mood:
amused
What a cutie!
- Mood:
amused
Is there a word to describe having an irrational dislike of Anthony Hopkins?
If you are unfamiliar with classical quotations you will not understand how hilariously witty the title of this post is, but never mind*. The point is that I suddenly have a whole bunch of new black and purple clothes. Aha! I say - not because I have been shopping (although...oh, never mind) but because the other day I was thinking about how I wanted some more black gear to wear and it occured to me that some things I already have would be just ideal if they weren't, well, to be perfectly blunt, pink.
Hence. A couple of environment-withering packets of dye later, here I am. I'm hoping that the good karma I earn by not buying new clothes will compensate in some degree for all the chemicals I used in the process.
How awesome is that? I have almost an instant whole new goth wardrobe.
*I considered all the possibilities: "Not Afraid To Dye", "Singing This'll Be The Day That I Dye" "I Was Dyeing For Some New Black Gear" etc but they were all pretty predictable so I thought I'd go for something that almost nobody will understand. "Alea Jacta Est" is something that Julius Caesar said and means "The Die is Cast". See, I told you I was hilariously witty.
- Mood:
pleased
As you may have gathered, dealing with things – temptation, work stress, conflict, housework – is not my forte. Usually I get on by avoiding my problems and agreeing with everyone. Look, I didn’t say I was an effective person.
Be that as it may, just for some variety life has been throwing me some curve balls recently and one of them, yesterday, was a bit of an altercation with someone at work. Here’s the thing: it’s not just that I hate conflict. It’s the agonising afterwards, the repeated playing back of what happened, who said what to who, and, most of all, how foolish I looked, how embarrassed I am, etc. I honestly have no idea why I do this. I was a very sad and angry person a lot of the time when I was younger, but not any more. Perhaps the reason why I react so badly is because these days it takes me by surprise when I clash with someone, and/or it brings up old feelings .
Anyway, what was interesting was that last night when I went for my walk I – as you do – started to pray about it. For those who aren’t religious I am sure that the notion of prayer seems either a) pointless or b) a convenient method of facilitating a more peaceful and meditative frame of mind. Ha, ha. I know – or at least, I’m told – that there are lots of people for whom option (b) is true because for them God is just this endless source of forgivingness and lovingness and never-having-any-issues-or-problemingnes
What came to me last night as I prayed for help was the the realisation that I hold onto things too hard. I worry and worry and worry away at things in the hopes that if I just worry hard enough, I'll be able to fix them. The point is, it's God’s job to be God, not mine, and trying to wrestle with Him to stay in control (ha!) of everything will a) drive me crazy b) drive everyone else crazy c) get in His way and d) not work. It would be overly dramatic (and untrue) of me to say that the heavens opened and I saw the light, but it did occur to me that God might be prepared to cut me some slack and, if I remember my Bible correctly, actually take some things off my hands. Cynics will say that the relief I felt when I asked Him to do so was just a placebo effect but I don't think so, and also I was pretty grateful for any kind of effect at that point, so don't knock it.
Next week: my success (or otherwise) at managing not to try and take back control, through sheer force of habit. Wish me luck....
- Mood:
thoughtful
It answered: "You may rely on it."
Well, that's all right then.
- Mood:
tired
When I was at uni one of my friends complained to me that I had a one track mind and all I ever talked about was religion.
These days I have a three-track mind and all I ever talk about is sleep, vampires and drinking. Okay, maybe four-track; there's jewellery, as well.
Is this a step forward, or a step backwards, do you think?
- Mood:
pensive
I don’t really get why people cut themselves. I understand numbness and wanting to feel something – hey, I’m right there ahead of you – but why not just develop a massive crush on the sweet boy at work and suffer the agonies of unrequited affection?
You don’t need to break the skin and all those Evanescence songs will sound so much more profound.
- Mood:
high
